the r0z garden

happy, thoughtless days
wagons full of pinecones
wide-eyed knitted dolls
chirp electric affirmations
crooked, gap-toothed smile
my grandmother knows
but I am unprepared

blonde hair turning dark
words absent in picturebooks
penned in shaky crayon
seared into consciousness
they laugh at show-and-tell
my beloved perversions
I am quickly learning
not all joy is sacred

a deafening strike
echoes across the schoolyard
glasses falling from my face
I saw it in a movie
& I’ve become an actor
on a chalkboard stage
boyhood is violence
but I can take a punch

beaten & black-eyed
coughing up apologies
& pleas that go ignored
boys solve their own problems
hide bruises & swallow tears
someday I’ll be big & strong
I’ll kill him in a high-noon duel
twirling a six-gun on my finger
I’ll be my own cowboy

awaken in a pool of sweat
from rosy, joyful dreams
of a warm parallel world
my sin is inborn
& I’m afraid of God
but I pray, silently 
someday I’ll wake up fixed
or never again

knees curled to my chest
unforgiving porcelain
pinching at my shoulders
self-disgust between my thighs
hidden out of sight
in these weightless moments
I can just pretend
but the water’s getting cold
& I am still unclean

adolescent revelations
everyone was right
you're nothing like me
despite our harmony of quiet breaths
we sleep with our backs turned
I always say I love you
but your parents pull us apart
our naivety is gone
I am your mistake 

charcoal & apple juice
mopping up poison
the adults are crying
but they don’t know me anyway
I’m afraid to close my eyes
but I’ve been dead for years
so play grownup with me
latex & mixed drinks 
finally, I can be myself
in your violent embrace

hair falling out in clumps
rats’ nest of tubes & wires
machines chirping in broken rhythm
cut me up with forks & knives
feast upon my soiled flesh
my reflection taunts me
I want her to die

a baptism in rain
cherry blossom showers
wash over my skin
like the black eyeliner tears
that fall in fits of joy
they call me a tragedy
but I shine like the sun

thousand dollar face
shiny patent leather
matching jet black hair
I blend into the dark
& never walk alone at night
learn to speak softly
carry a switchblade
the poetry of womanhood
is written in blood

crying, breathing, laughing
caked in ink & makeup
a symphony of clicks & whirs
fills a bedroom hall of mirrors
where dreams & nightmares coalesce
bleeding into something beautiful
on a razor-burned canvas  
she never says I love you
but lets you kiss her scars